Volunteers to deliver TP from another city, spends a whole day handing it out to the population, personally delivers some to the neighbors on the way home. Forgets to keep some of that TP for herself. Drops dead from utter and complete exhaustion at the end of the day.

Is forced to close her fitness studio, creates a new online business in 3 days, makes a ton of cash, goes on a weekend trip to another state, buys premium TP there. Comes back home with TP, a suntan, and a bunch of new IG followers.

Makes sure everyone at the store gets a roll, and only one roll, because it has to be FAIR for everyone. Makes sure every roll is perfectly neat and wrapped just right before handing it out. Bites her tongue and smiles when customers complain, hands them her own rolls to pacify them.

Invites everyone over to her house for a meal, free Reiki, and to stay over and use her bathroom with her TP. The next day, feels taken advantage of and resents everyone who came, while cleaning up the mess they left. No TP left for herself, and she can't just ask a friend for some.

Gets on social media to teach everyone 20 new ways to acquire TP, then writes a 5-page blog post on the same topic. Is amazed by the advice that came out of her mouth, decides to follow some of it, but gets pulled into an hour-long conversation on the way.

Sits down with a crystal bowl and a deck of Tarot to see into the future and make a prediction for when the TP crisis will be over. Tells neighbor that he shouldn't be hoarding: leave some for the rest of us, goddammit! Has the door slammed in her face, because she shouldn't have been so blunt.

Doubles down on her business and 5 side hustles while everyone else is going through the TP crisis: she already has a stock of TP, because she'd had a hunch and took care of stuff long before everyone else. Manifests more TP when she runs out.

Is completely bewildered by the increased demand for TP. Tries and fails to find a logical connection between a virus and TP. Concludes (for the 100th time) that humans don't have any common sense. Packs up and goes to live off the grid in the Arizona desert, away from stupid humans.