Souls that crave freedom: is commitment just not for us?
The desire for a soulful committed relationship and “happily ever after” is deeply rooted in our human psyche, and is reinforced in a million ways by popular culture and the programming we are subjected to throughout life.
A nuclear family is a beautiful thing and is the backbone of society. If we are to trust numerous research studies and experiences of people we know, then for most folks, marriage + family is the healthiest and happiest lifestyle choice.
However, there's a percentage of people who just don't thrive in lifelong committed relationships and families — at least the way we do them on Earth! And that's due to how those people are designed on a soul level… (People with personality disorders or loose morals are a different case, and are not the subject of this article! 😁)
Source/God/Universe — use your preferred term — doesn't specifically create us to be loners; it creates us out of a set of universal energy principles (this is according to my beliefs, based on the spiritual modalities I practice). And not being fulfilled in traditional relationship/family structures is just one way that some universal energy principles happen to manifest in our human reality.
So if for some of us, settling down with one partner is the road that’ll take us further away from fulfillment, then is it best to avoid that altogether and be a loner?
Not necessarily! And we’re going to look at some life strategies / relationship strategies that can work for such souls.
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One of the most important parts of my work is helping people understand why they are the way they are, and giving them permission to be just that — even if goes against societal norms.
There's one type of folks that breathe the biggest sigh of relief after receiving this kind of validation. It's those souls who by nature crave unlimited freedom and self-determination, and constantly bump into societal expectations and “rules” that seem to tell them that their natural urges, needs, and traits are “not okay”.
While everyone enjoys freedom, some souls are designed in a way that makes them absolutely require freedom in every area of life. It's part of their soul blueprint, or their divine design, and is therefore something they must honor and strive for in order to embody their soul purpose. Let’s affectionally call them “Rebel souls”. 😈
How do you know if you or a loved one is one of these freedom-loving Rebel souls (without having a practitioner like me read your soul blueprint)?
Here are some common traits:
Freedom and self-determination are at the top of your list of values and goals.
You hate working for someone else and being told what to do. You thrive when you can be your own boss: working for yourself, or at least in a role where you have a lot of self-determination.
Doing things out of obligation makes you feel horrible and drains your energy.
You love having many options, and hesitate to commit to something and close the door on all the other opportunities (in any area of life).
You tend to rebel against rules, including your own!
You need regular time alone, because you're energetically sensitive and being around other people's energy all day can be overwhelming and can make you cranky (even if it's energizing at first).
If you resonated with most of the above (or have been told that you have the gift of “Divine Power”), this article will be relevant for you.
Let’s also ask you a couple of questions about partnerships specifically:
Are you single by choice, or are you partnered-up but becoming increasingly uncomfortable within the constraints of a traditional marriage/partnership agreement?
Given your personal ethics and faith, are you comfortable considering the idea of lifestyles that present an alternative to the traditional nuclear family?
If you answered “Yes” to both of the above, keep reading!
If not, the information may not be applicable to you, so if you do proceed (perhaps to try to understand a loved one), please do so with an open mind and curiosity. Some ideas may seem controversial or draw judgment from someone who isn’t wired like a Rebel. 😉 Remember that the rules of life, and what is the “right” vs. “wrong” choice is unique for each of us, so this can be an opportunity to understand someone else’s reality.
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There are many areas of life where Rebel souls bump into societal norms and expectations that go against their desire for freedom.
When it comes to work/career, it's pretty simple: these folks need to put themselves in a position where they have maximum freedom and full control over their decisions.
When it comes to personal relationships, it gets complicated… I often end up having a very honest conversation with a Rebel, which ultimately helps liberate them from the constraints imposed by the society, and gives them permission to approach relationships differently.
I'm going to take a risk and have that conversation publicly here in this article, in the hopes that there are some folks out there who will never have a session, but will be served by hearing this message.
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So what typically happens with these freedom-loving souls and their relationships?
When a Rebel is young, they will often do what everyone else does: try to find a special person to commit to, and do their best playing the role of a partner (and later parent, perhaps).
This may be a source of much joy, learning, and growth at first, but as the Rebel grows in self-awareness over the years, that role of a devoted partner/spouse/parent becomes increasingly uncomfortable and limiting to them, to the point that they start feeling disillusioned, constrained, or even trapped — even while they absolutely love and value their partner.
It is a normal part of the process to become more conscious of our soul-deep needs as we grow in self-awareness! And in the case of Rebel souls, they start realizing (or subconsciously feeling) that who they really are and what they need doesn't fit into the typical roles, rules, and ways of living that our society and culture offers them, including traditional relationship/family paradigms.
It’s nice to realize this when we’re young and free and have many lifestyle options to choose from; not so easy after we've been married for a while and have children to take care of!
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Why do traditional relationships often make Rebels unhappy over time?
Obligation and limitation instead of freedom
These souls basically want to do what they want, when they want, and how they want. Being in a traditional committed relationship, especially marriage, can be quite the opposite of freedom and self-determination.You obviously can't pursue other “options”; you have to be mindful of someone else's needs, likes, and dislikes; you have to work with someone else's schedule and make many decisions together; and you have to do some things you wouldn't do otherwise, like chores and activities you don’t enjoy (obligation!)
No inner commitment
What I notice is, many Rebels will have external commitment to their partner (expressed through action), but they generally don't have the same capacity for internal commitment that other souls normally experience. They just can't “belong” to anyone…A Rebel may judge and beat themselves up for not feeling very committed to their partner, or they’ll think it's a sign that they're with the wrong person and just haven't met their soulmate yet.
This is where we have to acknowledge that Rebel souls are divinely designed to be free, and commitment is not in their nature. So nothing is wrong, and despite how you feel, your partner may well be the one you’re meant to be with at this time!
Need for space and time alone
Some Rebels may become increasingly sensitive to other people's energy always being in their environment, and they will crave more and more space and time alone.They may find themselves constantly having to compromise, like saying yes to a weekend activity with the family that they don’t really enjoy, while they really just want to stay alone in their home office and focus on their projects or studies.
Opting out of everything that doesn’t fit their interests would feel like selfishness and neglect of family; saying yes will feel like self-betrayal and obligation. Living with other people means having to compromise on a regular basis.
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By now you may be thinking, “Rebels souls sound like they’re terribly selfish!”
Yes, they are – but only when judged against human standards that are based on cultural, societal, or religious conditioning.
In fact, when Rebels allow themselves to be “selfish” and focus on what matters to them, they end up creating amazing things and being amazing leaders who ultimately serve the world and everyone around them, including their loved ones. But they do need freedom to be able to fully step into their gifts!
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So is it ultimately the wrong choice for a freedom-loving soul to pursue committed relationships and to marry — because they'll eventually outgrow that and become miserable?
And what can they do if they already have a family?
Well, there are several life strategies that seem to work for Rebel souls, and being single is only one of them.
Here’s one helpful way to think about it is this: We acknowledge that we don't fit into boxes and roles offered by the society, and yet we have agreed to play the human game by incarnating here. So let’s figure out how we can play the human game with integrity: not betraying self and not hurting others, while shaping this journey to fit our unique needs.
So let’s look at a few possible life/relationship strategies.
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Strategy 1:
Nowadays there is less stigma around alternative lifestyles and relationship styles. Some Rebels may enjoy a series of temporary relationships as they go through life, allowing relationships to naturally run their course, and letting go when it's time. Of course, we want to stay in integrity and be clear with the other person that there is no intention to make it a lifelong commitment (unless it happens to evolve that way naturally!)
This way, the Rebel gets to experience the variety they crave, and doesn't feel confined and choiceless.
Sometimes a Rebel will experience a conflict between their human psyche and their soul or Higher Self. The human will want (or think they want) a lifelong partnership, but the soul did not plan for a lifelong partnership for this incarnation (there is no “marriage soul contract” in the person’s life plan). When we ask about this in sessions, the person's Higher Self will often say that the person is to experience their power and freedom, and can have relationships here and there as they please, but they are not meant to be tied to one person for the rest of their life — it would limit them and would not make them happy anyway.
A Rebel may even feel lonely and envy their happily-coupled peers! It takes some self-searching to transcend the human paradigm and see things from the soul's perspective. As our self-awareness grows, we will eventually see why this path was better for us than the alternative.
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If it is our conscious choice to have a committed relationship/marriage, a smart Rebel would choose a partner who honors the Rebel's need for space and freedom. A clingy or codependent partner who wants to spend every minute of the day together, who wants to make all decisions together, who wants to control or place limits on the Rebel is a recipe for disaster!
If we do want a committed relationship/marriage, or if it is already our reality, a couple of approaches tend to work well for Rebels.
Strategy 2:
Rebels are often focused on achieving in their work or whatever their passion is. They will often find themselves running their own business or being a leader in a big organization.
A career-focused individual whose work meets their need for variety (this is an important point!), can be happy with a very traditional relationship — yes, the kind people did before feminism came about. 😉
If a Rebel's partner happens to be someone that enjoys homemaking, e.g. a conservative woman who is happy and fulfilled in the traditional role of a mother and homemaker, and is happy to be running the household while her ambitious spouse is busy achieving at work (late nights, business travel, focus on career and projects), this can work out beautifully for a Rebel (and for both). It’s best if the partner has her own interests and friends and doesn’t solely rely on the Rebel spouse for her social life and entertainment.
A partner like this would give the Rebel permission to focus on their passion/career pursuits, provide a supportive home environment, and help eliminate or at least lessen the obligation that typically comes with running a household (chores, childcare, planning family activities, etc).
I know this may sound like a self-centered businessman’s dating checklist 😂, but it’s a model that has worked well for many couples for decades, or centuries, and can work (and does work) today — as long as both partners freely choose their role and lifestyle. By the way, I’ve seen both women and men play the homemaker role in such successful marriage arrangements!
Strategy 3:
If the Rebel's partner is equally ambitious and has their own high-flying career, then the couple will benefit from having a lot of support at home: a housekeeper, meal delivery service, financial planner, nanny… If both partners are busy, sharing dreaded chores that neither wants to do or has time for will put a ton of stress on the relationship, and can make the household feel like a burden rather than a source of joy.
Hopefully, both partners will honor each other’s need to relax and unwind alone at times, and will operate under the assumption that career, passion projects, and exploration of life are as important as the relationship.
Again, this assumes that the person’s need for variety is met through work and maybe various activities/experiences shared with their partner.
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Now what do we when a Rebel’s need for variety applies to romantic relationships as well? Some of us, for various reasons, crave to experience a variety of different emotional, energetic, and physical interactions with people through intimate relationships or even through brief encounters. Someone who wakes up to this realization about themselves while already married with children will have quite a dilemma on their hands!
Strategy 4:
If the Rebel:
chooses to be, or has to remain in a committed partnership or marriage,
rightfully doesn’t want to suppress or deny their need for experiences with a variety of partners,
values truth and integrity,
then looking into alternative relationship contracts/arrangements can be the answer.
For instance, there’s such a thing as “open monogamy”, or “ethical non-monogamy”, where there’s an agreement between primary partners as to what freedom/flexibility is allowed to each outside of their relationship, while the primary relationship remains their priority.
Open monogamy is not for everyone, and must be willingly embraced by both partners. This should not be forced upon someone whose deeply held religious or personal beliefs do not allow for such openness!
I’ve been learning more about this idea recently to expand my understanding, and here are a few insights that I found helpful:
Currently at least 4-5% (that’s 1 in 25 to 1 in 20) of Americans are in some type of open relationship, so this is not as rare as we might think.
There’s a whole range of open relationships agreements, from very restrictive to “anything goes, no questions asked” type of deal.
There are variations when it comes to what behaviors are permissible outside the relationship, how much the other partner needs to know, whether partners have “veto power” over the other’s choices, and so on.
Each couple’s contract is unique to them, and whatever two consenting adults freely agree upon, no matter how unusual, is fair game.
An open relationship agreement is not set in stone — it can be renegotiated, changed, or terminated at any time.
There must be plenty of educational resources on this topic; one I’m familiar with is Dr. Tammy Nelson’s work; here’s a podcast episode where she’s interviewed about her work, and here’s her book called Open Monogamy. (I'm recommending this book as an educational resource, but am not endorsing any view, idea, or ideology mentioned in it.)
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Having children is a beautiful blessing for so many, but it's not for everyone… A Rebel must be very deliberate and very honest with oneself when deciding whether to have children. Many Rebels I know opted out of this experience and have never regretted that — it was the absolute right choice for them. And yet, there are some Rebels who thoroughly enjoy parenthood!
Having children (a major source of obligation and limitations plus noisy energy in the house — let's be honest!) is a lot more manageable when a Rebel's partner is willing to take on the bigger share of the parenting duties or when there’s a lot of on-demand support available.
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We are all unique, and have chosen different life lessons and challenges for ourselves when we (as souls) planned this incarnation. The above are some common strategies that seem to work well for freedom-loving souls. However, you will find exceptions…
For instance, some Rebel souls may have planned to experience a busy family life in this incarnation, in order to learn a set of lessons and cultivate certain qualities that don’t come easy to them. It would be correct for them to focus on that family life and master their lessons, instead of single-mindedly pursuing total freedom.
However, once their “learning program” is almost complete, they may feel a shift and may start becoming more aware of their divine nature, and start yearning for more freedom, which may lead to some adjustments or even to drastic life changes. Our true nature eventually comes through and demands to be honored. 😩
So in choosing our path, both are important: our inherent soul nature and the life lessons or experiences chosen for this particular incarnation.
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If you're a freedom-loving soul, I hope this has given you some validation as well as permission to approach relationships differently, without judging yourself.
And if you're a partner to a Rebel, please know that their need for space and time alone is nothing personal, and the more freedom you allow them, the more they will appreciate you!
Which of the “Rebel challenges” have you experienced in your life? Let me know in the comments!
NOTE: The author is not a licensed marriage and family therapist; information presented above is shared from the perspective of soul studies and observations of real life, and is NOT to be considered as advice for your specific situation.© 2022 Julia Nord | All rights reserved | Copying, adapting, imitating, or creating derivative works of this content is prohibited.